Self-Love and Boundaries
My core lesson I have been working on for some time now is that I am enough. I was using sex to receive love and attention for many years. I had been used for sex and cheated on in my beginning relationships that created a hole for me to fill. I began using men before they could use me. I started having guy friends to hook up with and “just having fun” instead of real, authentic relationships. Two years ago I entered an open relationship with my best friend at the time and it helped me learn a lot. It brought to my awareness that I was not allowing love in my life and that I lacked a lot of self-love. This began my call to action and realizing I needed to work on my own wounds. I continued to see the pain in others and stuff they needed to work on, often dating guys I could “fix”. This was my deflection phase, my critical pattern that held me back from my own work was trying to help others. I focused on their issues and not my own. I also used avoidance and completely denied myself of meaningful deep relationships so I did not have to face my issues. I avoided my own inner work by just having sex and keeping it light and fun, with no serious commitment. I was describing a current relationship with a friend when he asked me “what in yourself do you need to fix that makes you want to fix others?” And at first I was in denial and couldn't accept that idea. However that question ate away at me and I continued to come back to it. I began to take time alone to look within myself and what was attracting such wounded men. I began questioning myself and my attraction to toxic, unhealthy men who used me and did not respect or appreciate me. I wondered why I continued to have sex with these guys while I was in a committed open relationship with an amazing man who loved me and treated me like a queen. I was deflecting my anxiety of the deepness of this relationship onto the sexual relationships I was having with other guys. I also continued this so I did not have to go deeper into the relationship. Then I went to a women’s retreat and had to truly take a look at myself. I realized all these feelings of unworthiness. How I did not think I deserved real love or could even have it. Then I began feeling shameful for all the sexual relationships I was having and not giving my all to my current relationship. I was too scared to love, to let my walls down or to be vulnerable. I was “Savage Chelsey” back then, known for not having feelings and being able to lock them up. Once I decided to open my heart, feel my feelings and look at myself, the floodgates opened. I looked back on all the ruthless choices I made to feed the whole in my heart by having sex with so many guys. I did a lot of shady stuff back then and didn’t allow myself to feel the pain or see how bad I was being. Once I made the conscious decision to stop having sex, break this pattern of dating men I could fix and learn to love myself, everything changed. I was able to change my view on sex and see it for the sacred union that it is. I realized how much energy is exchanged. I stopped wanting to be a dump bucket for guys wounds. I stopped carrying their pain and trying to heal it through this sexual intimacy. Instead realizing I can hold space and truly love them, giving them the ability to heal on their own. I am much more picky with who I will share my energy with. It was a hard road, with plenty of speed bumps and backtracks but I am close to the end. I've always been a very sexual person so finding balance in this area took a lot of time and practice. I took the time to stay away from guys to use as a distraction and looked at myself. I began to respect myself and honor my body. I had to learn about having boundaries and keeping them. Playing with temptation and saying no, sticking to my boundaries when the lust was roaring. I had to take a hard look at myself to find the toxic traits in me that hurt others. I noticed how these men I wanted to fi were toxic but then it hit me that I too am toxic for some. Our relationships are reflections of ourselves, this was a hard pill to swallow. I began filling the hole in my heart with my own love and respect. I leaned into my shame, forgave myself for what I did while I was hurting and moved forward. I took steps into my own power. I learned who I am and what I have to offer. I know where I came from and where I am going. I turned my past into lessons so I can move forward with strength and knowledge. I realized I am enough, I am worthy and I am full of love. If you are facing any struggles or want to look at your own hero's journey and core wounds please feel free to message me. With the support of each other, we can all heal.